A message to all Legion fans from someone WHO FREAKING TOLD YOU SO. ALL OF YOU. GOD DAMNIT.

Dear DC comics,

 

WHERE THE HELL ARE MY LEGION GAYS?!

You are a very diverse company, this I know. You have characters from every gender, religion, and race imaginable. You are not afraid to create characters of a distinctly non-hetero nature, like Renee Montoya, Batwoman, Knockout, Scandal Savage, and Hartley Rathaway.

But what happened to the Legion?

In the beginning, there was Jan Arrah. He was the sole survivor of Trom. He was very, very gay. It was an acknowledged and accepted fact, even after he began to see Shvaughn Erin romantically. And when “she” turned out to actually be a man, we fans rejoiced. We finally got it out of you! Jan Arrah was really, truly, 100% gay!

And then came the reboot.

Sean went back to being Shvaughn, and Jan was (for a time) romantically linked to women. But then, to our intense joy, a new relationship began to slowly appear. Lyle Norg and Querl Dox, the two smartest members of the Legion, a potential couple? The writers teased us with it for years. Is Lyle gay? Is Brainy gay? Well, Lyle was most definitely gay, if his secret boyfriend, Condo Arlik, was any indication. But the fans still wondered, was there any romantic chemistry between Lyle and Brainy? Then, finally, in Legion #27 of the 2003 run, our prayers were answered. Intensely relieved to find that his friend had survived his boom tube trip across the universe, Brainy ran up to Lyle and kissed him. On the cheek, yes, but he was very embarrassed about it afterwards, as if letting his emotions show was the worst thing ever. But we fans FINALLY HAD OUR PROOF! Oh joy! Oh rapture!

And then came Threeboot.

Brainy is an obsessive-complsive with a freaky thing for the dead Nura Nal, Lyle may or may not be in love with Supergirl, and Jan has a soul patch.

WHAT HAPPENED?!

I (as well as many others, I can assure you) demand the return of at least ONE homosexual character! For a team that promotes universal diversity and underage togetherness, I find it hard to believe that not a single one of the Legion members bats for their own team.

 

Sincerely,

ToG

 

But let’s backtrack a bit, shall we?

It all started when I went to scans_daily and found this:

http://community.livejournal.com/scans_daily/5931232.html?view=229638112#t229638112

Which led to me finding this:

http://members.aol.com/interlac/legionnaires.html

Which led to me writing this:

Lyle (Invisible Kid 1): (Bierbaum) Extremely intelligent, quiet, POSSIBLY GAY. Very much prefers to quietly blend into the ranks, but is also very capable of asserting himself as a leader when called upon.

POSSIBLY GAY. How long have I been saying it, people?! HOW FREAKING LONG?! *waves flag of Brainy/Lyle JUSTICE*

Star Boy: A big fullback of a guy, he is slow, steady. faithful, honorable, reliable, loyal, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. And dumb. And probably hung like a horse, which will be the deciding factor in Dream Girl’s settling down with him in that isolated observatory.

O, HAY. THANKS FOR THAT, JIM SHOOTER. YOU ASSHOLE.

Querl Dox (Brainiac 5): A computer-brained adolescent. A child genius, who always has the right answer but most likely hasn’t been laid yet.

Once again, thanks Jim Shooter, for telling us crap we’ve kinda ALREADY FIGURED OUT. But he will be. Soon. Once he stops focusing on immensely powerful blondes that he can’t possibly hope to have (Andromeda, Dream Girl, SUPERGIRL, etc) and settles down with a more likely candidate.
Say, his right hand lab helper boy? Lyle? Perhaps?

Salu Digby (Shrinking Violet): (Shooter) More than a little like a female version of Ultra Boy. She is very hung up on Ultra Boy. She is very hung up on Duplicate Boy and is rather a depressive sort — but not as extreme as U-Boy. Just being a girl helps, because it is easy to relax into a follower’s role and her essential underlying morbidity is interpreted as shyness. She is very emotional, bright, attractive, and confusing to simpler types like Colossal Boy who can’t understand that she is happiest when wallowing in loneliness, suspicion, doubt and fear. She gets all her weird sex from Duplicate Boy and waiting and worrying just makes it sweeter. (Bierbaum) Painfully shy, insecure and possibly not quite competent in the early years. Probably was dealing with issues of sexual identity, not able at first to accept her lesbian nature. Never really had it together until she found Ayla, but after that, she become one of the Legion’s best.

…so is she a freaky sex fiend or a lesbian? It would make more sense for Vi to be a lesbian than anything else, mainly because it would explain why she never noticed all the guys that had huge crushes on her (Ferro Lad, Bouncing Boy at one point, etc). Fight on, Shrinking Violet! You’ll find out your sexual affiliation someday! But for now, stay the hell away from Brainy. He’s pretty…well, he’s pretty damn gay, girl. Sorry.

Jo Nah (Ultra Boy): Ultra Boy would be hell in bed. He undoubtedly, however, makes gentle, tender (and expert) love to Phantom Girl and saves his occasional forays into the bizarre for someone less angelic to him — say, Dream Girl. This guy is probably the Legion’s closest to being a mental case. Though he would deny it, he needs a Bouncing Boy type — I think he is smart enough to know that. But Bouncing Boy is gone now …. hmm…

AUGH. MAKE IT STOP. Jim Shooter isn’t already dead, is he? Because I must kinda kill him for putting my brain through this. Oh, wait. He’s writing Legion now, isn’t he? God help us.

Garth Ranzz (Lightning Lad): (Shooter) He is a showman, a proud, powerful exemplary hero. A confident, dominant man, man enough for the likes of Imra Ironass Ardeen.

All those who believe Saturn Girl should change her handle to “Ironass”, say aye!

Imra (*cough*Ironass*cough*) Ardeen (Saturn Girl): (Shooter) Pretty much as she’s been pictured. An organizer, a businessmanlike, clever, smart competent women’s libber who scared away every guy she met until Lightning Lad with his overwhelming ego treated her like a lady, and she loved it. She is a wild, wild woman in bed, who undoubtedly has occasionally accompanied Lightning Lad on his forays into Dream Girl’s boudoir.

…OW OW OW OW MY CHILDHOOD IDOL OW OW OW OW.

Rokk Krinn (Cosmic Boy): Kind of a yutz.

Once more for those in the back, TELL US SOMETHING WE DON’T KNOW, JIM SHOOTER.

Tenzil Kem (Matter-Eater Lad, possessor of the GREATEST SUPERHERO NAME SINCE ARM-FALL-OFF BOY): He was the one LSHer who understood that life was meant to be fun and being a Legionnaire was the greatest gig in the universe. Absolutely understood how ridiculous his power and code name were and loved being a living, breathing Monty Python routine.

THANK YOU, TOM AND MARY BEERBONG, erm, Bierbaum. Right…because the similarities between the two names are IN NO WAY INTENTIONAL…

Jan Arrah (Element Lad): (Shooter) Hmm. An introvert who covers with snappy patter! Could be gay, who knows? (Bierbaum) That’s meant there’s such disconnect between Jan’s physical impulses and what his mind allows him to act upon, that questions of sexuality (yes, he’s gay) are almost irrelevant.

Hm, how odd. No matter what era, despite the profiles being written 20+ years apart, the writers agree on the same thing. If this is the case, GET WITH THE HAPPY RAINBOW PICTURE, WAID! YOU TOO, LEVITZ. And now that Shooter is back in the picture, LOSE THE SOUL PATCH AND MAKE WITH THE HOMOSEXUALITY!

Brin Londo (Timber Wolf): (Shooter) Second to Ultra Boy as the Legion’s leading fruitcake. He is probably as neurotic as is Ultra Boy, but exclusively about his own identity. He covers his interior uncertainty with coldness and hostility. Fortunately, Light Lass is enough of a romantic to be turned on by this aloof stance. Ultra Boy thinks he knows himself while Wolf knows he doesn’t. This alone makes Wolf a more palatable personality, He is the type who will make wisecracks and noise to hide his inward uncertainty. He wants their approval and acceptance. Actually, being a goody-goody Legionnaire is hard for him, because he is more of the James Bond type, just a little visious and nasty even though he’s with the good guys. I think Light Lass had to lead him by the hand to bed, but thanks to her, he undoubtedly does well there now.

…leading fruitcake? BWAHAHAHAHA. But seriously, folks, Timber Wolf is THE MAN. He is sort of the Batman of the Legion, off doing his own damn thing, but always protecting what he cares about.

Princess Projectra: Karate Kid is a natural for her, because he’d act the same before the King of Razamataz as he would with Sam the Streetsweeper. She’d say, “I’m a Princess” and he’d say, “Far-out! Wanna screw?”

I forgive you, Jim Shooter, mainly because “Far out! Wanna Screw?” is the best pick up line I’ve ever heard.

Nura Nal (Dream Girl): (Shooter) Dream Girl is dumb. Her power is more or less hit or miss in value and I’m sure her main service to the Legion is in her quarters after dark. She needs constant reassurance of her value, and since her Legion career has been less than stellar, the only way to get psychologically stroked is to allow herself to be physically stroked. By anybody. She has a need for love, adoration and reinforcement of her narcissistic self-image. Star Boy is either too dumb to realize this, or has resigned himself to it. His most fervent wish is to get her off to some godforsaken observatory somewhere, alone. Forever. (Beerbong) Her sexuality is a force on par with Brainiac 5’s intellect, Mon-El’s strength, Cosmic Boy’s dedication. In part because of her power and in part because she’s a very smart cookie, she can see many more moves ahead in the chess game of life than anyone else. And that’s pretty useful when you can turn any corruptible male into your pawn. Luckily, she works for the good guys.

OKAY WE GET THAT DREAMY IS A WHORE. NOW SHUT UP.

Ayla Ranzz (Light Lass): (Beerbong) Secretly harbors an eternally unrequited love for… Saturn Girl.

As someone who totally thought that Ayla and Salu would have made a nice couple, (mainly because it keeps Ayla away from Brin) I must object. Imra is forbidden territory to Ayla, so of course she’d WANT her. I mean, what kind of self-respecting starter lesbian WOULDN’T want her twin brother’s sexy telepathic girlfriend/wife/sex slave? But LOVE her? Probably not. Ayla would probably want to hop in on a couple of threesomes with her and Dreamy, then go back to Salu as happy as a clam.

So in closing, EVERYONE IN THE LEGION IS A SEXUAL DEVIANT.
EVERY.
LAST.
ONE.
Enjoy following in the footsteps of Jim Shooter and Tom and Mary Beerbong, Mark Waid and Paul Levitz! It will be a crackrock of pure joy for you two, I’m so sure!
AND MAKE WITH THE GAY ALREADY BEFORE THOSE OF US WHO HATE THE THINGS YOU HAVE DONE TO PRINCESS PROJECTRA FIND YOU AND EAT YOU. (She was way cooler as a snake, you florgs)
*desperately waves Brainy/Lyle and Jan/Sean/Shvaugn flags*

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