I miss your ginger hair and the way you used to stab me.

Ten books, including one I’d thought was cancelled and two that it’s gonna pain me to read. Well, let’s get this over with.

Fail train, why are you always finding new ways to underwhelm me? I mean, look at this first page. The picture! It’s made of water! Ooooh! Geoff Johns, are you some kind of sorcerer?! /sarcasm. So, I just noticed, DC. You don’t really like young black heroes, do you? Or at least, you don’t like having them in large quantities. Last Teen Titans storyline, you effectively got rid of iconic Milestone character Static by depowering him, and as I don’t follow Justice Society, only JSA All-Stars (I go to wherever Cyclone is, thank you), it’s been awhile since I’ve seen Lightning or Jakeem Thunder in a story. And now we have the rise of Aqualad into prominent storylines, plus his inclusion in the animated show…Dan, listen to me. Listen closely. It’s not racial equality if you’ve only got one of every other race amid a horde of white guys. Oh look, Black Lantern Firestorm can pick up the white lantern. This character wouldn’t be half as annoying if he didn’t speak like a frat boy circa 1997. Huh, so Mera isn’t Jackson’s mom? Good to know. I guess it explains a couple of things, too. But wait a minute, if Black Manta is Jackson’s biological father, then who’s the dude in the rubber raft with his mom? Unless…no, not rape baby! Really? Really, Geoff?! That’s only the most cliched character background ever. Sorry, man, but I think you may have finally lost it. Aaand then the kid throws a tantrum and we get a mini-episode of My Crappy Life from Aquaman. I will say one thing in praise of the artist. For a shitty story, you sure ended it on one hell of a splash shot. Literally. As he is on a wave-crashed rock. Oh wait, book isn’t over? Three pages of Firestorm left?

Goddamnit, fail train. Well, end of story. End of company. It’s all over. Two idiot kids destroyed the universe because they couldn’t stop arguing. See this, DC? It’s my middle finger. Sit on it and rotate.

Oh, Emerald Warriors. I swear, sometimes, when the night is darkest and the comics suck the most, only you can pull me back into a good mood. I made the mistake of glancing through Time Masters directly after reading Brightest Day, and my rage was so palpable, I was practically spitting blood. So I decided to do something to calm myself down and picked up a bit of Gardnery goodness. It wasn’t a particularly happy issue, what with the deaths of several Green Lantern recent grads, but it was a good way to showcase just how much of a softie Kilowog is when it comes to his students. Kilowog was the drill instructor for the Green Lantern Corps for many years. He’s trained all the Green Lanterns from Earth as well as, I’m assuming, Sinestro, and he’s damn good at his job. But it comes at a price. He’s connected to every rookie he teaches, because it is his responsibility to teach them everything that they need to survive. And with the events of the last three years or so, he’s been seeing a lot of his kids bite the big one. It’s pretty easy for me to see past the main plotline (Guy keeping himself and several unwanted others busy so that he doesn’t go completely Red and kill his best friend/bro, a prophecy spelled out in the red blood weeks before he started this jaunt) and into the emotional subtilities. Peter J. Tomasi is another GL writer that I hope sticks around for awhile, if only because he’s so good at tapping into the cores of the beings of those he writes. Rock on, PJT.

Does no one remember Hunter Zoloman exists? Is that it? I’m sorry, I’m jumping the gun here, let me backtrack. So the two evil magic people have been defeated, we get to see the testing of the atom bomb, I get a flashback to something evil!Skeets said during 52 (“and what do you think my outer shell was made off, burned off a corpse in a shallow grave..?”), daddy Booster and MiniRip are adorable, some secondary plotline with Supernova (who is probably older Booster), and then this! Okay, so, Professor Zoom is a time traveler. I get this. But Zoom exists outside of the damn time stream! So, logically, shouldn’t more people run into Zoloman than Thawne? It’s just another case of a good legacy character being completely discarded now that the original is back in action.

Gen 13 is an odd book for me. I’d never read a single issue before Wildstorm got the rights to it, and the first time I read the Wildstorm book was when I picked up the first two trades featuring the Gail Simone-penned issues. But I liked it enough to pick it up in comic form, and now it’s approaching 40 issues. Since I’ve started reading, the team has splintered, come back together, gained new members, had a love triangle, had a lesbian love triangle, and survived the end of the world. Since issue one, Burnout has been my favorite character. And now he’s radioactive and leaving. A new arc starts next month. I don’t know if I’ll be reading it.

Latest issue of the main Batman series summary: tl;dr, Riddler is evil again, Enigma gets a reintroduction and hopefully a backstory.

See, I’ve realized something. With a series like Velocity, I’m willing to wait months for the kind of quality they put out. Rocafort and Gho are a stunning art team, and holy shit, Ron Marz. Even your terrible puns that Carin thinks, but doesn’t say out loud, are precious. But why would you end it like that? On a cliffhanger?! Oh, and surprise, apparently this isn’t an ongoing, it’s just another mini. One issue from over. Everybody say it with me now, FRAG!

Supergirl #59: The issue in which Cat Grant wasn’t a heinous bitch for once. So, Winslow Schott, the Toyman, has a son. The fact that someone would actually breed with DC’s number one pedo disturbs me beyond all reason. And then there’s the fact that we never see her face. Seems like it’ll come up in later issues, so I’ll keep my eyes peeled. But yes, with the arrival of the Dollmaker, DC has a new Crazy Ginger on its hands, and this one is like, twelve. Hm, with the reintroduction of Enigma in Batman, Velocity, and the Death of Oracle storyline starting up in Birds of Prey, I think it would be a safe gamble to officially declare this Ginger Week. I wonder if Dollmaker could ever be considered an enemy for Robin, because that would be a pretty awesome fight. Think about it. If Pyg and his Dollotrons should team up with Dollmaker and his “friends”, Robin would be royally boned. Unless he brings his BFF Abuse into the fray, then he may stand a chance. No, I’m not over that. How did I get from talking about Supergirl to talking about Robin? Obviously, I am some kind of sorcerer. Anyway, long story short, Cat Grant punches out a preteen, Christmas is saved. God bless us everyone.

So, here we are once again. I don’t like reading the main, Johns-penned Green Lantern series. He is entirely too obsessed with making Hal Jordan look like some kind of comic book Messiah, which is ridiculous. Everyone knows that comic book Jesus is clearly Batman. But I read the book anyway. because I greatly enjoy the parts of it where Hal is not present. I like Saint Walker. I like Atrocious. To an extent, I even like Sinestro. Sadly, as the main focus of this issue is Parallax taking over Barry Allen, most of the issue is their interaction. And really, even though I know he doesn’t mean to do it, I don’t think I’ve seen a more poignant love letter from Hal to Barry outside of fanfiction…ever. “He’s my best friend, Parallax! Take me instead! You know you want me! Here, I’ll help you out by hanging myself on this big ol’ cross…”

…Una Nemo called Batman gay. This is the greatest day of my life. Am I dead? Is this heaven? Holy shit. I’m not going to lie and say I’ve never been referred to as a ‘crazy girlfriend’, but god damn. Absence makes every psycho ex out there look like a saint. She’s running around, cutting off bits of the women Bruce Wayne banged because she wants him to miss her. This is not a good way to make the heart grow fonder, Absence.

I’ve been looking forward to the “Death of Oracle” storyline for a while now, and this first chapter really delivers. Gotta say, nothing says ‘lady-bonding’ like an outing to a strip club. Zinda is probably my favorite Bird, on attitude alone. “But, but he’s a cowboy!” That girl will kick your ass and make you like it, bless her. Gail, you’ve done well.

That’s this week in comics, ladies and gents. I seem to desperately require some hot chocolate, so I’m gonna go do that now. The rest of you in more Northern climates, I hope you’re staying warm! This is ToG signing out. Peace.

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