Archive for February, 2011

I may just start a Tumblr like that…except Beetles must be remember for the good times, not the bad

Oh, what a small week. Five books, one of which is guaranteed to either make me happy beyond words, or so full of rage, I begin spontaneously spewing blood everywhere. Let’s do this thing.

Larfleeze, your quirkiness is amusing beyond words. “Hairless Lex Luthor!” Yes indeed. Oh my god, is he doing a, a Gollum impression? You precious little flower. I think Glomulus is his favorite Corpsblob or something, because Larfleeze doesn’t just hug anyone. Oh my god. So he’s behind this. Of course he is. Who else could it be? I’m hoping that the reinclusion of Brainiac in Lex’s life will finally lead up to where the hell the Brainiac/Lex clone has gotten to.

Harley has snapped. I know people will argue that she’d snapped by the time she first showed up in Batman: The Animated Series, but at least she was happy then. This Harley is just a tightly-wound ball of rage and hatred in a fancy hat. A manipulative woman we’ve never really gotten to see much of before. And she wants the Joker dead. Good luck, honey. You’ll need it.

So, Peeg. You dug up one of your dead friends to prove to Dick Grayson that Max Lord was real. How does that feel? Not gonna lie, this issue made me facepalm and yell at Dick a lot. Bruce, however, was sort of awesome for once, though his whole ‘I remember everything’ sort of cemented him as DC Jesus in my eyes. In other news, Nicco, you would be an awesome liar if ladies smarter and more fabulous than you weren’t around to spoil everything. Also, I have this feeling that the next couple of issues of everything that ties into Generation Lost is going to be all Crying About Beetles dot Tumblr dot com.

My rage has flared to previously unimaginable levels. I don’t care about you anymore, Max. The sleazy, sometimes goofy businessman from times past is dead to me. I don’t care that you’re essentially a momma’s boy with a god complex. I don’t care that your mommy was in Coast City when it was destroyed. A lot of people lost their lives in a tragedy that no one could have stopped once it got started. There’s only one thing I care about right now.
Jaime Reyes had almost seven years. He was introduced during Infinite Crisis to immediately replace the fallen Ted Kord. In the seven years he was around, he had his own series, a spot on the Teen Titans, a few back-up stories in Booster Gold, and a snug place in the hearts of many of DC’s readers. His popularity only grew when he was introduced to the rest of the world through Batman: The Brave and the Bold. He was always a smart, responsible, goofy kid that loved his friends and family. He, he wanted to be a dentist so that his sister could go to college and his parents would be assured an easy retirement. And now he’s dead.
That was one of the worst things I’ve ever had to type. Who’s going to tell his family? Who is going to tell Paco and Brenda? Who is going to have to stoop down and tell Milagro Reyes that her big brother isn’t going to be coming home because a man they’ve never heard of, a man they didn’t even remember existing, killed him just like he did the Beetle before him? I can’t do it. Booster shouldn’t have to do it. No one should have to. Because this boy didn’t deserve to die.
All I can say about this entire this is this: DC, if you’re doing your whitewashing thing again by killing a minority character in order to bring in a white guy, that white guy had better be Ted Kord. Not a new character. Not a PoC. And you better not be retiring the mantle of Blue Beetle, either. You fucking bring back Ted Kord. Or I just…I don’t know what I would do. I’m way too invested in your better series’ (Birds of Prey, Batgirl, Secret Six, etc) to be able to keep a boycott of DC for even a week. I just don’t have any answers right now.

(this review was written before the above one, but moved to the bottom so that this entry would end on a happy note)
Damian, you precious flower. AUGH. AUGH. KON, TIM, MAKE WITH THE KISSES ALREADY. No, seriously. You boys need to just get over yourselves and your issues and just make the kisses happen. Well, I guess it’s 100% confirmed now then, isn’t it? Kid Eternity is even deader than he was before the Calculator got to him. How does that work, exactly? Did he just…disapparate or something? Become discorpereal? What? I mean, the character’s whole schtick is that he’s already dead, he just can’t go to heaven or hell yet. So, what’s going on? Did he finally cross over? You’d better get back to me on this, Teen Titans. I want to know. So…Tim’s back on the team, and Damian has been curbed? Well, that sort of makes sense. Dami’s only ten or so, he wouldn’t really fit in with this particular team of Titans yet. Try again in a few years, Dick. Aww, how cute. And I know people are gonna be like, he called Dick his only friend! No. He’s talking about Colin. You know, Abuse from Streets of Gotham. He and that kid are totally BFFs. Dick isn’t his friend, Dick is his substitute daddy that hugs too much.

And that was this week in comics! Sort of. Look, I know two Deadpool titles came out today but I just…I can’t follow that guy. As much as I love him and his concept, I just can’t stay interested for more than two or three issues at a time.
Oh, and speaking of Tumblr, I’ve had one of my own for several weeks now! Follow me at touchofgrey37. But as always, parental advisory is suggested. I swear like a sailor.
Peace out, you guys. Got some computer problems I need to fix. Same time next week? Swerval.

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Kill me. Kill me now.

I must really like you guys. I’m sick as a dog and twice as miserable, but here I am, picking up eight books for reviewing. Well, that’s a lie. I’m only gonna pick up seven, and read one in-store. Can you guess what that one is?

Oh Fail Train, you never cease to disappoint me. It’s an Aqua-issue! Seriously, does Brightest Day take place before The Hunt for Raven? Because Lorena is supposed to be missing, along with Bombshell. Aw, Aqua-incest! Not the best time, Jackson, really. Also, not to nitpick, but if Jackson is an electrical hero, how the hell is he using his powers underwater in close range to Aquaman and not frying him? No, what? If his life was returned, why did he vanish? Ending each issue on a confusing cliffhanger is not good writing, it’s just irritating as hell, Geoff.

So, I want to know who the hell this Alex creep is. Meanwhile, these two civilian kids are proving that men everywhere are morons. Oh my god, Damian is just precious. As much as the kid hates to admit it, he really does have a great deal of concern for Kara. No, really Alex. Who are you? What are you?! Augh, I must know! Wait. Please tell me this isn’t the Luthor/Brainiac clone. That would be just too convenient.

Oh god, Brainy is the new (deputy) leader of the Legion. I forsee shenanigans. The art in this issue is just amazing, by the way. Brainy’s design is reminiscent of the design he had in the mini comic at the end of the recently released Jim Lee artbook, and just generally stunning. Dawnstar and Yera’s designs are stunning as well. Yildiray Cinar is really going above and beyond lately, and I love it.

See, that’s the great thing about a book by Giffen and DeMatteis. From the opening writer/artist credits to the final page, you know it’s bound to be amazingly funny. I really love this kid, y’know. Rani is just the most precious little snowflake ever. Oh no, little Skeets! Rip, you’re an asshole. “Just a machine”, indeed. Oh my god, they through in a Producers reference. There’s a reason Booster Gold is one of my favorite books, you know. And this is it. Clever writing, decent art, little references thrown in for people that know the history…it’s just a damned good book. Wait, Booster’s in jail? For real? I, my faith in all good things has been shattered.

Visually, Green Lantern has produced some pretty creepy shit recently. Parallax-Flash, Ophidian-Hammond, and now Krona? Nightmare fuel unleaded, I think. Yeah, sorry Hal. One-punch doesn’t work on rogue Guardians. I’m gonna make one of my predictions at this point. In the upcoming mini War of the Green Lanterns, John Stewart or Jade is going to die. Think about it. Hal obviously lives, Guy is running his own series, and Kyle almost died already. Jade is like a GLC reservist, and John Stewart hasn’t really done anything notable since he was the only GL for Earth, in his fancy Mosaic uniform and everything. One of them is going to die. I kinda hope it’s Jade. Since her rebirth, she’s done nothing. I haven’t heard anything from her. She just…exists. And I think she’s existing to die.

Green Lantern Corps is consistantly an entertaining book. The relationships between characters feel real, the action is always intense, and it’s just an overall intelligent book that doesn’t try to talk down to its readers. This month shows the conclusion to the Weaponer storyline and, goddamnit. Why’d you have to…hgh. See, this is the reason I really love and hate Sinestro. He’s smart. A tactician. He sees a problem and immediately seeks a solution, no matter the cost. And his solution to having the Weaponer as an enemy? Make him an ally. The Sinestro Corps has got the greatest weapons master the universe has ever seen on their side, Hera help us all.

…please tell me that’s not supposed to be Earth-16 Snapper Carr. Yup, it is. Oh god, I think I’m gonna like the new Young Justice comic. I take it back. What the fuck is up with that Joker design?! It’s like, Joker meets Mad Mod meets…a hepcat or something. Terrible, terrible design.

Twilight Guardian rules. Seriously, if you’re only picking up one title from Top Cow, make it this one. It’s clever, well-written, and well-drawn. In all honesty, it’s like a better researched, more mature version of Kick-Ass. It’s a book that takes itself seriously, and expects us to as well. In this second issue, the TG goes to a comic convention to meet up with other heroes and…oh my god her little face when she gets all her new comics. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t recognize that expression. Careful readers will notice all the subtle cameos of Top Cow characters. An overall good read.

Well, that was this week in comics. I sound like a frog and have a hot date with a bowl of soup and maybe a really steamy bath. This is ToG the mucus factory signing off.

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-insert expletive here- YOU JUDD WINICK

Ten books. Ten. Holy shit. And Fail Train isn’t on the lineup. In fact, I’m not expecting any of these to suck. Holy Moley.

Knight and Squire is always good for a chuckle, so- oh my god! Since it’s hard to emote without vocal inflection, that was an indignant yell. This is supposed to be a funny action title, what the hell is the Joker doing in England? Ohh, I’m not pleased.

Okay, lemme be the first to say that I’m a fan of Chemical Kid’s glowing green glasses. Actually, I like the designs of everyone in the new Legion Academy. That doesn’t mean I like their personalities, though. Glorinth seems okay, but Hadru is a ridiculous brat. Dragonwing seems like a bit of a bitch, too. If Adventure Comics is going to be detailing the adventures of the kids in Legion Academy from now on, I could dig it.

…kiss of rage and burning blood? Oh, Guy, you silly boy. Pff, of course the telepaths would bitch while Bleez is trying to help them. Okay, now, maybe a Green Lantern veteran reader can help me; who the heck is Aleesun? Whoever she was, she seemed to mean quite a bit to Guy. Ah well, if no one answers me, I guess I can wait until next issue.

I believe the last issue of R.E.B.E.L.S. ended with someone stealing Tribilus. Except, apparently, Smite wasn’t after Tribilus, he was after Dox. And now Starro has made the Psion homeworld the cornerstone world for his new empire…wow, our universe is fucked! No, really, our universe is fucked. So, you remember how the Psions were cloning things? Well, they’re cloning Czarnians. I guess the only good thing is that Starro is unable to control them. But still, an army of Lobo? This can only end in mass bloodshed and/or sex. Or maybe not. Lobo, you smart bastich. Oh shit! Is Stormdaughter…dead? I hope not, she was a pretty cool character. Ah well, cliffhangers abound.

I’m still a little wary about the Speed Force motorcycle. I mean, it’s a pretty lame idea. But Sam (one of the people that works at my LCS) just offered the suggestion that it could be John Fox, the Flash of the 25th century. But that seems unlikely. For one, John Fox is way too cool to do something as lame as have a Speed Force motorcycle. Then, there’s the existence of the Reverse Flash Task Force. Why would 25th century Central City need both? Methinks John Fox may be no longer in continuity. ‘Elongated Kid’? And it’s a dead old man?
Wut.
So the motorcycle guy is…but…what?! Okay, prediction time. Elongated Kid is the anomaly, and he’s actually Ralph and Sue’s unborn child from an alternate timeline. You heard it here first, folks.

I’m gonna be completely honest, Batman and Robin is all about Robin. Damian is a brat, and we love him for it. He’s even grouchy with a milkshake in one hand and his family all around. You little snit, I love ya. Anyway, the issue starts out with a suicide and ends with lots and lots of glowing bats. It was a good issue, but honestly, every part that didn’t have Damian being a brat sort of made my eyes glaze over. The kid stole the show.

Damn, and here I was hoping that Tim would ditch the condom-cap and stick with the Uternet costume permanently. Have we mentioned that Catman is badass lately? Because he is. When a member of the family that used to beat you up for fun acknowledges that you’re a BAMF, then by god, you’re a BAMF. But this issue isn’t about Catman. It’s about Tim calling Superboy Kon.
No, seriously, he did. Go check, I’ll wait. See it? Ohmygod! Aaand then Damian steals the spotlight in this issue, too. What is it about that kid that makes writers focus on him? Augh, I hate that I love him so much. And then the Calculator was a bomb! There are many bombs! Everybody panic! The art in this issue was fabulous. Marcus To, I give you my blessing to draw teenagers forever.

Batgirl is one of those series’ that just puts you in a good mood from start to finish. I mean, the plot of this issue is that Steph and Klarion (bum bum BUM) the Witch Boy are on a mission to get his familiar laid. No, seriously. I liked the nice little hat tip Klarion gave to his old musical sting, too. Though I am a bit torqued that Teekl has been rebooted to be male. I guess DC was getting tired of all the beastiality jokes. Hold your rotten veggies until the end please, folks.

Dinah, your mom is hot. Meaning no disrespect to the dead, but dayum. I hope Gail Simone never becomes my subconcious. I love her, but she’s way, way too good at making people she writes feel guilty. She’s like nine Jewish mothers and a middle school principals wrapped into one being of infinite power. Oh god, I just gave myself goosebumps at that thought. Current, I hope you die in a fire. He pimp slapped Lady Blackhawk! Who does that?! No one! What the hell?! Wow, Hank, you’re horribly drawn this issue. I mean, wow. The ladies, however, look excellent, especially Dove. I’m really starting to like this character again. What?! Another cliffhanger? Fab.

WINIIIIIIIICK. GOD DAMNIT WHAT THE FUCK.

That was what I excused myself from the comic store to scream outside until my voice broke. Damnit, Judd. Damnit, DC. GOD DAMNIT, MAX LORD. Did the original Blue Beetle kill your puppy? Rape your mother? Is that why you’ve seen to it that everyone that holds the Scarab, that you can get to, must die of a gunshot to the head? As soon as the issue opened, my heart clenched. In a series like this, if there’s a flashback to better times, someone is going to die. Someone is going to die. First issue of Identity Crisis, Ralph was telling Firehawk how he and his wife met. Four pages later, death. But you couldn’t just kill him, could you, asshole? You had to give us hope. Jaime escapes! Jaime gets a signal out so that the rest of the JLI can find him! Power Girl is off to tell the world about how evil Max is! The JLI makes it to Max’s hideout! Jaime says something funny!
DEATH.

Fuck. You. No more. I thought Jaime would be protected, Editorial mandates and what have you. He was a character Infinite Crisis spawned, Dan Didio liked him, fans liked him, he was the first Blue Beetle ever brought to TV. He’s supposed to be on Smallville soon. He has a family that loves him, friends outside of the superheroing set. His little sister ships Boostle. He has a good relationship with both his living parents, and he took his grandma flying once. I, I’m not gonna cry. I refuse to give you the satisfaction. He isn’t dead, this is just the mother of all fakeouts. It had better be.

That was this week in comics. I’m gonna go have dinner, then rock back and forth while clutching my knees and sitting fully clothed in the shower. Peace out.

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So young, so violent, DAMN that rap music!

Six regular books, the end of a terrible mini, and an annual. What a week we have ahead of us, right! Right?

Oh right, Fail Train. And it’s an Aquaman week, swell. Okay, long story short, Aquaman bitches about Mera betraying him, bitchery, more bitching, loses a hand. Oh, and there was a bit with Deadman and the Hawks and how everyone has to do exactly what the White Ring says or goddamnit, it will end you. Why do I still pick up this book? Why, I ask?

…why does Rip’s mom look like Michelle?! Seriously, blonde woman wearing the Goldstar uniform and- Rani. Oh fuck. No, seriously, OH FUCK. Booster, I think I would prefer it if you banged your sister to you birthing a son from a little girl. I’m going to ignore everything else that happened in this issue and just go quitely freak out.

Damn. I mean, damn, Lobo. I really love watching this guy work. Most people generalize Lobo to be just a stupid thug on the lookout for his next buck, but few people realize that he’s actually a friggin’ genius. Know how he killed most of his people? With a virus that he invented when he was a kid. Remember that before you write him off as violent parody throwback to nineties heroes. Oh, Saturday nights when you can’t remember anything you do the next morning. I’ve never had one myself, but Tanga sure seems to know how to party. I like this mini quite a bit, two parts of it, anyway. Garbageman just doesn’t speak to me.

Okay, just from the cover of JSA: All-Stars, I’m kinda expecting a Silver Age story. Menace of the Puzzlemen? Really? “I like you a lot better when Cyclone is around. I think she soothes your inner jackass.” Oh, Al. I love you, I do. But you probably shouldn’t mock the little nancy boy that can turn your brain over in your head. Honestly, I really do want to know why the third Hourman gave Roxy a violin. It makes for one of those interesting little WTF side stories. I bet she eventually builds herself a robotic body and becomes his wife or something. Ohh, nevermind. She’s Lorna Pemberton now. That’s…cool?

I couldn’t get into the first Legion annual in awhile, I’m sorry to say. Everything about Princess Projectra and the Emerald Empress just makes me yawn. I love most of the female characters in Legion, but, they’ve just never really spoken to me. Soooo…next?

Oh my god Bane, you are simply the most adorable, awkward, gigantic man ever and I love you. But if I had to be a stripper working alongside that squealing Harley Quinn wannabe, I’d probably have killed her ages ago. Aaaand it’s rematch time with the Doom Patrol! You may remember that the Six fought them in their first mini following Villain’s United, and it was pretty kickass. Well, that kickassness has grown exponentially with the new Six versus the new Doom Patrol and, well, I’m kinda banking on it to be another draw. But hey, can we get back to Bane being awkward and adorable now, or do we have to wait another issue for that?

God damn, Talia. I’ve never really liked Ra’s al Ghul or his psychobitch hellspawn daughter, but now I have a legitimate reason. You don’t try to kill Catwoman. You just don’t. It’s a rule of comicdom. There are several untouchable comic women that must always come out okay in the end, and damnit, Catwoman is one of them. As for Harley…I want to see where this is going. I mean, is she actually going to do it, or is she going to lose her nerve at the last second? If I were her…but I’m not, so I guess I’ll just have to wait a month to find out.

I’m going to come out and say it right now, I think the Master-Hunter is Simon. It’s got to be. Also, incest! Kind of. That’s something that bugs me with Superboy and his relationships. After Tana Moon died, that scientist chick latched onto him. And after that, almost directly after that, he started dating Wonder Girl. Now that Cassie has been canned, he’s pretty much shown that he plans to, at some point, go out with Lori Luthor. The kid does things way too fast for my taste. Take a little time to heal, then go put the moves on your cousin, Kon.

That was this week in comics. Now, for something not exactly comics-related but still sort of, what would y’all think of me starting a new segment focusing on episodes of Young Justice to be released every Friday? I already liveTweet during the show, but would anyone prefer an actual review? Try and get back to me on that. This is ToG, signing off.

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