Kill me. Kill me now.

I must really like you guys. I’m sick as a dog and twice as miserable, but here I am, picking up eight books for reviewing. Well, that’s a lie. I’m only gonna pick up seven, and read one in-store. Can you guess what that one is?

Oh Fail Train, you never cease to disappoint me. It’s an Aqua-issue! Seriously, does Brightest Day take place before The Hunt for Raven? Because Lorena is supposed to be missing, along with Bombshell. Aw, Aqua-incest! Not the best time, Jackson, really. Also, not to nitpick, but if Jackson is an electrical hero, how the hell is he using his powers underwater in close range to Aquaman and not frying him? No, what? If his life was returned, why did he vanish? Ending each issue on a confusing cliffhanger is not good writing, it’s just irritating as hell, Geoff.

So, I want to know who the hell this Alex creep is. Meanwhile, these two civilian kids are proving that men everywhere are morons. Oh my god, Damian is just precious. As much as the kid hates to admit it, he really does have a great deal of concern for Kara. No, really Alex. Who are you? What are you?! Augh, I must know! Wait. Please tell me this isn’t the Luthor/Brainiac clone. That would be just too convenient.

Oh god, Brainy is the new (deputy) leader of the Legion. I forsee shenanigans. The art in this issue is just amazing, by the way. Brainy’s design is reminiscent of the design he had in the mini comic at the end of the recently released Jim Lee artbook, and just generally stunning. Dawnstar and Yera’s designs are stunning as well. Yildiray Cinar is really going above and beyond lately, and I love it.

See, that’s the great thing about a book by Giffen and DeMatteis. From the opening writer/artist credits to the final page, you know it’s bound to be amazingly funny. I really love this kid, y’know. Rani is just the most precious little snowflake ever. Oh no, little Skeets! Rip, you’re an asshole. “Just a machine”, indeed. Oh my god, they through in a Producers reference. There’s a reason Booster Gold is one of my favorite books, you know. And this is it. Clever writing, decent art, little references thrown in for people that know the history…it’s just a damned good book. Wait, Booster’s in jail? For real? I, my faith in all good things has been shattered.

Visually, Green Lantern has produced some pretty creepy shit recently. Parallax-Flash, Ophidian-Hammond, and now Krona? Nightmare fuel unleaded, I think. Yeah, sorry Hal. One-punch doesn’t work on rogue Guardians. I’m gonna make one of my predictions at this point. In the upcoming mini War of the Green Lanterns, John Stewart or Jade is going to die. Think about it. Hal obviously lives, Guy is running his own series, and Kyle almost died already. Jade is like a GLC reservist, and John Stewart hasn’t really done anything notable since he was the only GL for Earth, in his fancy Mosaic uniform and everything. One of them is going to die. I kinda hope it’s Jade. Since her rebirth, she’s done nothing. I haven’t heard anything from her. She just…exists. And I think she’s existing to die.

Green Lantern Corps is consistantly an entertaining book. The relationships between characters feel real, the action is always intense, and it’s just an overall intelligent book that doesn’t try to talk down to its readers. This month shows the conclusion to the Weaponer storyline and, goddamnit. Why’d you have to…hgh. See, this is the reason I really love and hate Sinestro. He’s smart. A tactician. He sees a problem and immediately seeks a solution, no matter the cost. And his solution to having the Weaponer as an enemy? Make him an ally. The Sinestro Corps has got the greatest weapons master the universe has ever seen on their side, Hera help us all.

…please tell me that’s not supposed to be Earth-16 Snapper Carr. Yup, it is. Oh god, I think I’m gonna like the new Young Justice comic. I take it back. What the fuck is up with that Joker design?! It’s like, Joker meets Mad Mod meets…a hepcat or something. Terrible, terrible design.

Twilight Guardian rules. Seriously, if you’re only picking up one title from Top Cow, make it this one. It’s clever, well-written, and well-drawn. In all honesty, it’s like a better researched, more mature version of Kick-Ass. It’s a book that takes itself seriously, and expects us to as well. In this second issue, the TG goes to a comic convention to meet up with other heroes and…oh my god her little face when she gets all her new comics. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t recognize that expression. Careful readers will notice all the subtle cameos of Top Cow characters. An overall good read.

Well, that was this week in comics. I sound like a frog and have a hot date with a bowl of soup and maybe a really steamy bath. This is ToG the mucus factory signing off.

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