The future’s so dark, I’m gonna need a Flashlight. See what I did there?

This is it. The last full week. I, I don’t have anything else to say.

As always, the Flashpoint titles will be lumped together.

Maybe it’s because I never got into Wildstorm, aside from Gen 13 and Authority, but I just don’t like Lois Lane and the Resistance as much as I could. It’s full of pointless backstory I don’t care about, and without the various Furies that I recognize (that have no lines, for the most part), I doubt I would be reading it at all. Lois Lane has never really been one of my favorite female characters and while a book about her could, theoretically, be interesting, this one just…wasn’t. Sorry, Lois.
I. I can’t I just.
Hoo. Okay. I am so angry right now. I feel like right now, there is no doubt in my mind that Bart isn’t going to be Kid Flash in the new universe. This one I’m dissecting, so prepare for maximum spoilers. Bart is the reason there isn’t any Speed Force in the Flashpoint universe. He took the speed from Max, and Jay, and maybe even Johnny and Jesse Quick. Because there was never any Flash back in the 40’s, Barry Allen never spent his life being a fan. He never got in the accident that gave him his powers, and never gave the same powers to Wally. Barry Allen never married Iris West. Bart was never born. He existed outside of time, then went back in time as the Black Flash to steal the speed from, and kill, the man who would eventually become Max Mercury. As the Black Flash, Bart bounces around the timestream collecting Speed Force to give to Barry, then performs an exact copy of Barry’s death on Crisis on Infinite Earths in order to also become one with the Speed Force. But the worst part of all this?
Barry doesn’t really care.
I mean, he basically says so. He says that he doesn’t really know Bart all that well, but did he ever try to take the time to get to know him? No, he did not. Even Wally, with all his problems and issues, took a break every now and then from saving the world and banging Linda to hang out with his cousin. Barry is Bart’s grandfather. Bart is the son of a child that Barry never knew. Barry and Bart are so removed from each other, I don’t even know what to say. Other than Kid Flash Lost #3 was probably the most disappointing ending to a series since the final issue of Wally’s series a few years ago. I’m not happy.
We now return you to your scheduled programming.

It’s pretty obvious that Geoff Johns doesn’t want the Green Lantern movie to be anything like the comics. Why do I say this? Well, the final Green Lantern movie prequel came out today, starring Sinestro. And it, as with the others, told his origins. Apparently, movie!Sinestro was a freedom fighter on his planet. In the comics, he was an archaeologist. Umm. The two aren’t really similar, but okay. This being said, it was a nice one-shot, and I actually enjoyed it. Kinda cements the Abin/Sinestro bromance for me.

The final issue of Gates of Gotham can be summed up in one sentence: “Given enough time, I’m sure you’d make an even better Batman than me.” Dick Grayson made a great Batman. Thank you, Scott Snyder, for voicing this opinion through the mouthpiece that is Bruce Wayne. Take that, ‘Bruce is the only Batman’ fanboys.

You know, I like to think that, despite all of their differences, Guy and Bruce actually get along really well. They’re both quite intelligent, though Guy likes to mask his smarts with bravado. They’re both very guarded when it comes to personal relationships. But above all, they both know how to save the day, albeit in different ways. I like this team-up issue, and yeah, it was kind of a fitting end to Guy’s series. Well played, Tomasi.

There comes a time in every reviewers life when they read the end of a series and think, wow. That was seriously pulled directly out of the writer’s ass last second, wasn’t it? “The Batman made me do it” is honestly the worst, and lamest, excuse I’ve ever heard. Bruce wasn’t Batman when this series began, Dick was. Dick wasn’t up for manipulating anyone at that stage in his career as Batman. He was dragging people down streets hanging off of his motorcycle. Still, good save, Selina. This issue earns a 3 of 5. Could have been a lot worse. Imagine if they’d actually killed her? Reboot or no, a cheap death is still a cheap death. Hear that, Sterling Gates?

So hey, who remembers Kick-Ass 2? Not me, the last issue came out in like, January. Anyway, issue #3 is out and…I’m going to be honest here. Is this supposed to be a serious real-world superhero book? Because it’s hilarious. There’s a heroine whose main objective is getting drunk girls home safely, and another guy who is cutting down on public transit violence. Frankly, I prefer those two to pretty much everyone else who just wants to beat people up. These guys are doing an actual civic duty that is often overlooked by regular law enforcement, especially in a big city. But this is the funny part. Remember Red Mist? He’s a full-time bad guy now, and his villain name is, wait for it, the Motherfucker. No, I’m not joking. This is the quality of the second half of this issue. Just, keep that in mind when the next issue of Kick-Ass comes out two years from now.

The final issue of Teen Titans wasn’t as half-assed as I thought it was going to be. Unlike the final issue of Superboy, which had been given two chances to not suck but failed, it was well thought out and well-paced. Sssssorta. Not going to lie, I facepalmed my way through the post-battle Kon/Rose moment. The art was very good, as was the writing, but so many questions were left unanswered for me. Who was under the Inertia costume? How did Prime clone three Kon’s? What if they were mind-controlled versions of Kon brought to the future? Who decided it would be a good idea to give Damian the Kryptonite phallic object? Why won’t Gar stop creepin’ on Raven? Are we seriously supposed to believe that the Source Wall is the permanent solution to Superboy-Prime? I’d voice some more questions, but I think I’ll just let y’all speculate on those for now.

Well. That’s it, then. Next week I’ve only got two books, the final issue of Flashpoint and, because I refuse to make a post about one book, the first issue of Justice League. Will they suck? Will the reboot sap my will to live? Will this blog still exist come October? Only time will tell. Until next time, readers. I’m Touch of Grey, and I have a chicken sandwich in my purse. And I’m going to eat it. Peace out.

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