Beware, rage and tears lurk within

So this is it. The reboot. I don’t feel very different. I’m still Touch of Grey, still a huge Flash fan, still a DC rather than a Marvel. And yet, everything has changed, supposedly. I’ve only got two books this week, let’s see just how different this new universe is.

What that fuck.
No, seriously. What the fuck? The Flash series ended just before Flashpoint began, and none of these events that supposedly took place actually happened. Are you just making it up as you go along, Geoff? “Well, I’m basically the god of DC now, so I’m allowed to say events that were never shown, referenced, or even suggested happened exactly as I say they did.” I can’t. I just can’t even. And what the hell was with the ending? Barry wakes up in his own timeline, goes to see Bruce, and gives him the letter from his father that magically survived the condensing time lines. The only thing that made this issue even vaguely salvageable was the conversation between Barry and his mom. It referenced the Flash’s need to have a ‘lightning rod’ loved one to ground them to their own reality, and it showed that his mother actually has some common goddamn sense. She also seems to be a fairly selfless human being, willing to trade her life for the lives of millions. I guess we know where Barry got it from, then. At least, the Barry that died back in Crisis on Infinite Earths. As it is, Flashpoint was a terrible event. It had too many minis, wasn’t very well thought out, and as endings go, this one was pretty weak. I’ll rate it a two of five, if only because Andy Kubert’s art is ridiculously gorgeous.

And now onto the new Justice League book. It’s the first issue featuring the new DCU. This should set the tone of the reboot for me.

Oh god it’s so bad.

No, this is terrible. I can’t even. I’m crying a little. This is so bad. The writing, the setting, the tone, the pacing, the character interaction oh god please tell me this is a joke. So the issue starts out in Gotham, with Batman chasing someone who looks like Killer Croc outfitted with a million dollars worth of tech. The government is shooting at him. Then Hal swoops down from the heavens to be a condescending dick, and frankly, I have never wanted to see One-Punch so much in my life. We then cut to Victor Stone, who is still a football player whose dad ignores him in favor of science, the bastard. The setting is now Metropolis, where Hal dicks it up, and then Superman punches him through a building.

You know what this reminds me of? All-Star Batman. Where Batman is gruff and scary, Hal is an idiot, and Clark is apparently unable to be trusted. The reboot is taking place int the ASB universe. The mystery has been cleared up. Everyone can go home.

To say that I’m disappointed with the comics that came out this week is an understatement. For all of the advertising, the hype, what I’ve seen so far of the reboot is embarrassing. And until I see something that isn’t poorly written, well, have fun without my money, DC. ToG out. See y’all next week.

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