I’m a Speed-Force to be reckoned with, baby!

Last week of the month! And I’m just going to come out and say it, this is my favorite week. New Flash, new Teen Titans, new Walking Dead (which I don’t review, if you can’t tell)…it’s just a good week. Let’s get started, shall we?

Hm, maybe I misjudged Green Lantern: New Guardians. Aside from the art, learn size ratios, Tyler Kirkham, the story is actually picking up the pace and getting…interesting. So, the universe-sized ship? It’s full of lost worlds. No, seriously. Okaara, which last I checked, was a barren world, and also Tamaran, which kept getting blown up, are in two of the ships explored. Innnteresting. And in the ship Kyle and Glomulus explore…a statue depicting Larfleeze as the space devil? Yeah, okay, I can see that. Huh. This isn’t terrible, though it did end on a bit of a cliffhanger. Introducing the Big Bad of the series, Invictus!

Legion Secret Origin continues to be the only good Legion book currently being published, what a shock. Man, I love the secret cabal of old people. They’re just so…Big Brother-y. Phantom Girl, Invisible Kid, and Colossal Boy are now officially part of the Legion and, am I the only one really looking forward to the first time Querl and Lyle meet here? Please tell me I’m not. I mean, they haven’t seen each other since the Threeboot ended, and this is going to be their official retcon first meeting…I’m excited. The bulk of the issue is a big fight scene, not much to say on that. Still, it’s well-written and well drawn, what more can I ask for?

I don’t like magic books. I don’t like magic in general. Magic, religion, the unknown and unproven. I just don’t like ’em. And yet I keep reading Justice League Dark, even though I haven’t got a fucking clue what’s going on. Well, no more. June Moon is back inside the Enchantress, Xanadu’s lie has been exposed, everyone is going their separate ways, and I’m no longer into this book. By, JLD. It was a ride that I didn’t get at all.

Justice League, what are you doing? No, I can’t. I just keep asking this book what it’s doing. Bruce Wayne unmasking and introducing himself to Hal, Hal playing leader. Darkseid’s Omega Beams missing, Batman Boom Tube-ing himself to Apokalips…I can’t. How is this DC’s flagship book? It’s horrible. It’s like a gold-plated piece of shit. It still stinks, but the pretty wrapping makes you forget that it does. Oh my god, I just can’t.

I’ve gleaned several things from this issue of Teen Titans. First off, Scott Lobdell probably read the entire Superboy series, Young Justice, and several different incarnations of Teen Titans in his research prior to writing these series’. That’s the only way I could plausibly believe Superboy talking extensively about his TTK in 2012 is actually a thing that happened. Next, Brett Booth invented Wonder Girl’s growing armor. He had to have. He accidentally drew her with a headdress in one panel, and instead of redrawing her, Scott just wrote it in, because it looked cool. Either that, or Scott’s a fan of Kim Possible. And lastly? Scott Lobdell is an evil man, because Superboy’s line about how they could have been friends in another time and place broke my damn heart. So, at the end of the issue, what do we have? Superboy has up and left N.O.W.H.E.R.E., though not before knocking out everyone on the team and leaving them where they lie. Wonder Girl has growing armor now. Kid Flash is most likely an amalgam of Bart and Wally. Kiran is a bright fucking ray of sunshine…oh wait, no she’s not. She’s a doom and gloom rain cloud. Which is basically what the costume and body change signifies, anyway. And Bunker continues to be fabulous, and not afraid to admit how fabulous he is. Whelp. I…don’t actually have anything else to say about Teen Titans.

Good golly gosh, I hope I never run into Francis Manapul at a convention. They wouldn’t make a restraining order big enough. For those of you who have yet to turn your translators to Grey, this means I enjoyed the latest issue of The Flash. There were Rogue cameos (Folded Man, Tar Pit, and Girder!), a nice Flash/Iris moment as well as an equally nice Barry/Patty moment, effective uses of Speed Force, and a fantastic DUN DUN DUN ending to top it all off! Dr. Elias has long since agreed to assist Mob Rule in their bid to stay alive, a pity his Green Generator isn’t exactly clone friendly. Between the generator and Barry’s speed vortex, the clone squad known as Mob Rule meet a fairly tragic end. I feel bad for Manuel. No matter what Mob Rule may have done in his name, they were all still, essentially, parts of him. No one deserves to watch themselves die. Our final page isn’t a cliffhanger so much as it is a setup for a longer story. As it turns out, every time Flash uses his speed, he rips open the space/time continuum, and things travel through time and fall into the present, or past, or future. It’s all very odd. In any case, the end solution, according to Dr. Elias, is to destroy the Speed Force. Say it with me now, folks. DUN DUN DUN!

And that’d be this week in comics. Sometimes I feel bad that I’m not following more books. But then I think to myself, hey. If these books don’t interest me, why would I force myself to suffer them? Well, I’ve got to go have feelings about Gotham Central now, see y’all next week!

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