Posts tagged Crack

On #1’s and why I’m only sort of flipping my shit

Ever since the announcement that DC would be rebooting the entire universe and sending many titles back to issue #1, I’ve been chewing my nails down to the nubs. It actually hurts to type with my index fingers, tell the truth. I don’t like big changes, not where comics are involved. It took me a little while to adjust to the ‘everybody change identities’ upheaval within the Batfamily when it happened, but now, honestly, this is like a golden age of Gotham titles. Batman and Robin, Batgirl, Gotham City Sirens, Birds of Prey, Red Robin (to an extent), even the few Detective Comics and Streets of Gotham issues I’ve read with DickBats and Damian have been fab.

Then this happened:

– Nightwing #1: Dick Grayson is back as Nightwing!
– Batgirl #1: Barbara Gordon’s return to Batgirl!
– Batman and Robin #1 and Batman: The Dark Knight #1: Bruce Wayne, the One True Batman!

What? No. No, I don’t think so. What the fuck is this ‘One True Batman’ horseshit?! I mean, Bruce started Batman Inc so that he wouldn’t have to be the only Batman. He trusted Dick to carry on the mantle he’d been raised under. Hell, he trusted Dick to essentially raise his son for him under the guise of the ‘Batman needs a Robin’ principle. Dick graduated from his role as Nightwing. He grew up, made the final leap. He is Batman.

Besides, look at this costume:

No, this is Jason Todd, shut up DC

What the fuck is this? Nightwing is the fun Bat. He’s got the lighter colors pretty much painted on his body. No, this, my lovelies, is a trick. Obviously, Jason is back to his old identity-snatching games, having pulled Dick’s old Renegade costume out of storage.

Then there’s the matter of the Batgirl mantle.

Steph isn’t the iconic Batgirl, that’s Babs. Steph isn’t the most effective Batgirl, that’s Cass. Steph isn’t even the most badass Batgirl, that would be Helena (though to be fair, she was actually calling herself Batwoman at the time, I believe). But you know what Stephanie Brown is? Willful. Determined. A girl that will never give up. She pulled herself up Gotham’s vigilante ladder by the barest edge of her fingernails, going from Spoiler, to Robin, and now damnit, she’s made it to the big times. She’s not anyone’s sidekick. She’s made the mantle of Batgirl her own, and she rocks at it. Her book is a consistently good seller, well written, beautifully drawn, and entertaining as hell. Can I let y’all in on a secret? I’m not looking forward to a new Babsgirl book, even though it’s being written by Gail Simone. That’s how much I love Steph in the role. But if this reboot continues as planned, I at least hope we get a Spoiler/Blackbat ongoing out of it.

The new Birds of Prey book looks like it may be good. Do I spy Thorn in the background? Haven’t seen her in a while.

Why is Batman Inc getting a reboot? It just started. What the everloving fuck.

But on the up side, Jason Todd, Roy Harper, and Kory are going to have their own Ginger Squad book. It’s called Red Hood and the Outlaws, but hey, fandom names are more fun.

For more information on the Reboot, visit the DC Comics homepage and read the articles on The Source. Bring tissues and Red rings.

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Rant of the Day: Kick-Ass!

I’m not here to bitch about the series, which I love (BRING ON THE SECOND ARC!!!), or the movie, which I am looking forward to more than anything else this year (including Harry Potter 7, Toy Story 3, How to Train Your Dragon, Lady Gaga’s next video, getting my hands on a copy of the new Gorillaz album, the end of Blackest Night, all of Brightest Day, and the new second feature in Teen Titans featuring Zat, Traci, and Lori), no today I’m here to bitch about the fandom.

It’s next to non-existant, you guys.

I mean, what the hell? With the first arc wrapping up last month and all the posters and trailers coming out for the movie, you’d think someone would slap together a nice comparison fanart of comic-vs-movie Red Mist’s costumes, a fanfic with a teenaged Hit Girl bitching about how messed up her childhood was (while beating up mobsters, of course), something along the lines of Katie trying to set Dave up on a date (hijinks ensue), a Lego model of the Mistmobile, Red Mist/Kick-Ass, SOMETHING.

OMG. RULE 34.

Dammit. Rule 34 stopped working.

WHERE MY KICK-ASS FANDOM AT, YO?

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Disney has gone TOO FAR

So I was flipping through the annual Toys R Us Christmas catalogue (as does pretty much every teenager that wants to say something along the lines of “Kid’s today! When I was a kid…” and transform into an old person), when I noticed something. Disney has once again taken up the post as MAJOR CORPORATION THAT SUCKS UP OUR MONEY. I mean, really! Disney Faeries, Hannah Montana, and don’t even get me STARTED on High School Musical. Oh, damn. It’s in my head. I just HAVE to rant now.

I was coerced into watching the first HSM movie by my friend Jazz. That bitch. I loved it, of course, because I was a high school girl, at the time, and I LOVE musicals. I opted out of seeing the sequel, at first, mainly because I hate being attached to anything considered trendy by those under 12.

Except Disney Princesses. Those chicks RULE.

Anyway, I continued to not see HSM2 until I baby-sat for my mom’s friend Heidi (who is totally on crack, but that’s another story entirely), and her little demon whined and complained until I stopped reading my book, which I HAD  to read for class and really didn’t like anyway, and watched the movie with her. I was rather entertained by it, until Zac Effron went around a golf course at night in an attempt to brood sexily while singing. Then I went back to my book.

A week later, I was discussing the parts of the movie I’d paid attention to with Jazz, when she pointed out something that had happened after the baseball scene that I, the chick who can smell man-on-man shenanigans three miles away with a cork in each nostril, did not notice.

“They switched clothes, you know.” I did not know. “You know, Corbin and Lucas. After the ‘I Don’t Dance’ queerfest. That scene was basically Ryan screaming ‘OMG! I am so gay for you, Chad!’ on a baseball field. And then they show up a scene later laughing and hugging and wearing each other’s clothes. How did you MISS that?!” I have no idea how I missed that. Because that brings my recent Disney-hateage into play.

Ryan Evans, the twin brother of the movies’ leading antagonist Sharpay (yes, like the dog), is gay. He is so flaming, the fire department has ordered him to stay away from gas stations and makes his sister carry a mini-extinguisher in her purse. The stage show (yes, High School Musical has a stage show) served to emphasize Ryan’s gayness, as had posters of boys in his on-stage “locker” and it was suggested that he had a crush on Troy (I’m going by the word of Crunchy and Jazz, who actually went to see it.). And now, with the release of HSM3, he has a graduation doll.

In a skirt.

Okay, okay, technically he’s wearing a kilt, but damnit, Disney, you are selling this product to young girls! Do you not KNOW that the proper way to wear a kilt is without any, erm, JUNK SUPPORT underneath?! Apparently, you do not. And now little girls will be spending Christmas checking out plastic dude junk.

Fabulous.

Y’know what, Disney? I’m done. High School Musical and it’s catchy musical numbers and misleading male characters can bite me. Don’t worry, darlings, I’m kosher.

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A message to all Legion fans from someone WHO FREAKING TOLD YOU SO. ALL OF YOU. GOD DAMNIT.

Dear DC comics,

 

WHERE THE HELL ARE MY LEGION GAYS?!

You are a very diverse company, this I know. You have characters from every gender, religion, and race imaginable. You are not afraid to create characters of a distinctly non-hetero nature, like Renee Montoya, Batwoman, Knockout, Scandal Savage, and Hartley Rathaway.

But what happened to the Legion?

In the beginning, there was Jan Arrah. He was the sole survivor of Trom. He was very, very gay. It was an acknowledged and accepted fact, even after he began to see Shvaughn Erin romantically. And when “she” turned out to actually be a man, we fans rejoiced. We finally got it out of you! Jan Arrah was really, truly, 100% gay!

And then came the reboot.

Sean went back to being Shvaughn, and Jan was (for a time) romantically linked to women. But then, to our intense joy, a new relationship began to slowly appear. Lyle Norg and Querl Dox, the two smartest members of the Legion, a potential couple? The writers teased us with it for years. Is Lyle gay? Is Brainy gay? Well, Lyle was most definitely gay, if his secret boyfriend, Condo Arlik, was any indication. But the fans still wondered, was there any romantic chemistry between Lyle and Brainy? Then, finally, in Legion #27 of the 2003 run, our prayers were answered. Intensely relieved to find that his friend had survived his boom tube trip across the universe, Brainy ran up to Lyle and kissed him. On the cheek, yes, but he was very embarrassed about it afterwards, as if letting his emotions show was the worst thing ever. But we fans FINALLY HAD OUR PROOF! Oh joy! Oh rapture!

And then came Threeboot.

Brainy is an obsessive-complsive with a freaky thing for the dead Nura Nal, Lyle may or may not be in love with Supergirl, and Jan has a soul patch.

WHAT HAPPENED?!

I (as well as many others, I can assure you) demand the return of at least ONE homosexual character! For a team that promotes universal diversity and underage togetherness, I find it hard to believe that not a single one of the Legion members bats for their own team.

 

Sincerely,

ToG

 

But let’s backtrack a bit, shall we?

It all started when I went to scans_daily and found this:

http://community.livejournal.com/scans_daily/5931232.html?view=229638112#t229638112

Which led to me finding this:

http://members.aol.com/interlac/legionnaires.html

Which led to me writing this:

Lyle (Invisible Kid 1): (Bierbaum) Extremely intelligent, quiet, POSSIBLY GAY. Very much prefers to quietly blend into the ranks, but is also very capable of asserting himself as a leader when called upon.

POSSIBLY GAY. How long have I been saying it, people?! HOW FREAKING LONG?! *waves flag of Brainy/Lyle JUSTICE*

Star Boy: A big fullback of a guy, he is slow, steady. faithful, honorable, reliable, loyal, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent. And dumb. And probably hung like a horse, which will be the deciding factor in Dream Girl’s settling down with him in that isolated observatory.

O, HAY. THANKS FOR THAT, JIM SHOOTER. YOU ASSHOLE.

Querl Dox (Brainiac 5): A computer-brained adolescent. A child genius, who always has the right answer but most likely hasn’t been laid yet.

Once again, thanks Jim Shooter, for telling us crap we’ve kinda ALREADY FIGURED OUT. But he will be. Soon. Once he stops focusing on immensely powerful blondes that he can’t possibly hope to have (Andromeda, Dream Girl, SUPERGIRL, etc) and settles down with a more likely candidate.
Say, his right hand lab helper boy? Lyle? Perhaps?

Salu Digby (Shrinking Violet): (Shooter) More than a little like a female version of Ultra Boy. She is very hung up on Ultra Boy. She is very hung up on Duplicate Boy and is rather a depressive sort — but not as extreme as U-Boy. Just being a girl helps, because it is easy to relax into a follower’s role and her essential underlying morbidity is interpreted as shyness. She is very emotional, bright, attractive, and confusing to simpler types like Colossal Boy who can’t understand that she is happiest when wallowing in loneliness, suspicion, doubt and fear. She gets all her weird sex from Duplicate Boy and waiting and worrying just makes it sweeter. (Bierbaum) Painfully shy, insecure and possibly not quite competent in the early years. Probably was dealing with issues of sexual identity, not able at first to accept her lesbian nature. Never really had it together until she found Ayla, but after that, she become one of the Legion’s best.

…so is she a freaky sex fiend or a lesbian? It would make more sense for Vi to be a lesbian than anything else, mainly because it would explain why she never noticed all the guys that had huge crushes on her (Ferro Lad, Bouncing Boy at one point, etc). Fight on, Shrinking Violet! You’ll find out your sexual affiliation someday! But for now, stay the hell away from Brainy. He’s pretty…well, he’s pretty damn gay, girl. Sorry.

Jo Nah (Ultra Boy): Ultra Boy would be hell in bed. He undoubtedly, however, makes gentle, tender (and expert) love to Phantom Girl and saves his occasional forays into the bizarre for someone less angelic to him — say, Dream Girl. This guy is probably the Legion’s closest to being a mental case. Though he would deny it, he needs a Bouncing Boy type — I think he is smart enough to know that. But Bouncing Boy is gone now …. hmm…

AUGH. MAKE IT STOP. Jim Shooter isn’t already dead, is he? Because I must kinda kill him for putting my brain through this. Oh, wait. He’s writing Legion now, isn’t he? God help us.

Garth Ranzz (Lightning Lad): (Shooter) He is a showman, a proud, powerful exemplary hero. A confident, dominant man, man enough for the likes of Imra Ironass Ardeen.

All those who believe Saturn Girl should change her handle to “Ironass”, say aye!

Imra (*cough*Ironass*cough*) Ardeen (Saturn Girl): (Shooter) Pretty much as she’s been pictured. An organizer, a businessmanlike, clever, smart competent women’s libber who scared away every guy she met until Lightning Lad with his overwhelming ego treated her like a lady, and she loved it. She is a wild, wild woman in bed, who undoubtedly has occasionally accompanied Lightning Lad on his forays into Dream Girl’s boudoir.

…OW OW OW OW MY CHILDHOOD IDOL OW OW OW OW.

Rokk Krinn (Cosmic Boy): Kind of a yutz.

Once more for those in the back, TELL US SOMETHING WE DON’T KNOW, JIM SHOOTER.

Tenzil Kem (Matter-Eater Lad, possessor of the GREATEST SUPERHERO NAME SINCE ARM-FALL-OFF BOY): He was the one LSHer who understood that life was meant to be fun and being a Legionnaire was the greatest gig in the universe. Absolutely understood how ridiculous his power and code name were and loved being a living, breathing Monty Python routine.

THANK YOU, TOM AND MARY BEERBONG, erm, Bierbaum. Right…because the similarities between the two names are IN NO WAY INTENTIONAL…

Jan Arrah (Element Lad): (Shooter) Hmm. An introvert who covers with snappy patter! Could be gay, who knows? (Bierbaum) That’s meant there’s such disconnect between Jan’s physical impulses and what his mind allows him to act upon, that questions of sexuality (yes, he’s gay) are almost irrelevant.

Hm, how odd. No matter what era, despite the profiles being written 20+ years apart, the writers agree on the same thing. If this is the case, GET WITH THE HAPPY RAINBOW PICTURE, WAID! YOU TOO, LEVITZ. And now that Shooter is back in the picture, LOSE THE SOUL PATCH AND MAKE WITH THE HOMOSEXUALITY!

Brin Londo (Timber Wolf): (Shooter) Second to Ultra Boy as the Legion’s leading fruitcake. He is probably as neurotic as is Ultra Boy, but exclusively about his own identity. He covers his interior uncertainty with coldness and hostility. Fortunately, Light Lass is enough of a romantic to be turned on by this aloof stance. Ultra Boy thinks he knows himself while Wolf knows he doesn’t. This alone makes Wolf a more palatable personality, He is the type who will make wisecracks and noise to hide his inward uncertainty. He wants their approval and acceptance. Actually, being a goody-goody Legionnaire is hard for him, because he is more of the James Bond type, just a little visious and nasty even though he’s with the good guys. I think Light Lass had to lead him by the hand to bed, but thanks to her, he undoubtedly does well there now.

…leading fruitcake? BWAHAHAHAHA. But seriously, folks, Timber Wolf is THE MAN. He is sort of the Batman of the Legion, off doing his own damn thing, but always protecting what he cares about.

Princess Projectra: Karate Kid is a natural for her, because he’d act the same before the King of Razamataz as he would with Sam the Streetsweeper. She’d say, “I’m a Princess” and he’d say, “Far-out! Wanna screw?”

I forgive you, Jim Shooter, mainly because “Far out! Wanna Screw?” is the best pick up line I’ve ever heard.

Nura Nal (Dream Girl): (Shooter) Dream Girl is dumb. Her power is more or less hit or miss in value and I’m sure her main service to the Legion is in her quarters after dark. She needs constant reassurance of her value, and since her Legion career has been less than stellar, the only way to get psychologically stroked is to allow herself to be physically stroked. By anybody. She has a need for love, adoration and reinforcement of her narcissistic self-image. Star Boy is either too dumb to realize this, or has resigned himself to it. His most fervent wish is to get her off to some godforsaken observatory somewhere, alone. Forever. (Beerbong) Her sexuality is a force on par with Brainiac 5’s intellect, Mon-El’s strength, Cosmic Boy’s dedication. In part because of her power and in part because she’s a very smart cookie, she can see many more moves ahead in the chess game of life than anyone else. And that’s pretty useful when you can turn any corruptible male into your pawn. Luckily, she works for the good guys.

OKAY WE GET THAT DREAMY IS A WHORE. NOW SHUT UP.

Ayla Ranzz (Light Lass): (Beerbong) Secretly harbors an eternally unrequited love for… Saturn Girl.

As someone who totally thought that Ayla and Salu would have made a nice couple, (mainly because it keeps Ayla away from Brin) I must object. Imra is forbidden territory to Ayla, so of course she’d WANT her. I mean, what kind of self-respecting starter lesbian WOULDN’T want her twin brother’s sexy telepathic girlfriend/wife/sex slave? But LOVE her? Probably not. Ayla would probably want to hop in on a couple of threesomes with her and Dreamy, then go back to Salu as happy as a clam.

So in closing, EVERYONE IN THE LEGION IS A SEXUAL DEVIANT.
EVERY.
LAST.
ONE.
Enjoy following in the footsteps of Jim Shooter and Tom and Mary Beerbong, Mark Waid and Paul Levitz! It will be a crackrock of pure joy for you two, I’m so sure!
AND MAKE WITH THE GAY ALREADY BEFORE THOSE OF US WHO HATE THE THINGS YOU HAVE DONE TO PRINCESS PROJECTRA FIND YOU AND EAT YOU. (She was way cooler as a snake, you florgs)
*desperately waves Brainy/Lyle and Jan/Sean/Shvaugn flags*

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